


It's Hard To Even Want To Try

by i_amthecosmos



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Glam Rock RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, tourfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_amthecosmos/pseuds/i_amthecosmos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy doesn't want to bother anyone with his problems. But Adam doesn’t take no for an answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Hard To Even Want To Try

Tommy was three drinks into the night, and now things were beginning to pleasantly blur. All the previous anger, the tension, all that shit was fading off. Good. He didn’t need it. He’d had enough of feeling shitty. He sipped more Jack and Coke and it was warming, not too harsh.

“Hey.” Tommy willed away the tension in his body. It was no big deal. Adam didn’t hold grudges, and sometimes Tommy wondered how he could do that in the world they lived in. He sure as hell couldn’t.

“Hey.” He heard a soft thunk as Adam said next to him on the edge of the stage. He didn’t look over.

“We need to get back.” Adam said it softly, after letting a long minute past. “They’re tearing down.”

“I know.” He knew, he just didn’t give a shit. He took another drink-the Coke was warm. He hadn’t wanted to waste time with ice. “What are we gonna do?”

“Tomorrow?” Adam’s knee touched his. “We’re gonna do another show, and it’ll be fucking fabulous. Don’t worry about it.”

Don’t worry. Tommy almost laughed. “Yeah.” He’d do it. He had to, he’d signed up to be Adam’s guitarist and he wasn’t leaving. Not unless Adam told him to go. “Do you wish you told me to fuck off?”

“When, tonight? You lost your temper, it’s no big deal.” Tommy shook his head because it was a fucking big deal, he didn’t talk to people like that. He never talked to Adam like that. Adam nudged his knee again and Tommy wanted to flinch away. “Come on. If you’re going to drink, let’s do it in the hotel.”

“Okay.” Tommy knocked back the rest of his warm Jack and Coke and felt his stomach lurch against the nasty taste. He pushed his way up, Adam’s hand on his elbow to balance him. He wanted to shove Adam’s hand away. He didn’t.

The ride back to the hotel was mercifully brief. Tommy walked through the lobby and headed for the elevators without looking around. He didn’t want to deal with anyone taking his picture, he didn’t feel like it. He just wanted to be left alone.

Adam followed him to his room. He could feel his shoulders hunch up nearly to his ears, and his hands shook a little as he swiped his key. “I’m okay. Don’t have to follow me.” He was. He just needed some time.

Adam followed him into his room and put a hand on the small of Tommy’s back. “I want to be here. Is that a problem?” Tommy didn’t answer right away. He pulled off his shirt and looked over his shoulder at Adam. Finally he nodded. “Okay.”

Tommy didn’t bother going to the bathroom to change, Adam had seen him before. Close quarters meant no secrets. He put on a pair of sweatpants and flopped on the bed. “Why do you want to be here?” Tommy didn’t even want to be with himself right then.

“Because I hate to see you this miserable. I don’t want you hating yourself over something small like that.” Tommy snorted, because it wasn’t small. “I’m not mad at you. You just had a bad night.”

“You should be mad. I was an asshole and told you to leave me alone.” He’d almost smacked Adam’s hand away. “I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t want to be touched. It wasn’t….shit.” Tommy hid his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. “Maybe you should just go. I can’t even talk about it.”

“What’s wrong?” Tommy felt the bed dip as Adam sat next to him. He didn’t look up, but he could feel Adam close by, smell his cologne. “Something’s going on with you, what is it?” Tommy shook his head, and then he felt the barest touch of fingers against the nape of his neck.

“It’s…I can’t say that it’s nothing.” Tommy doesn’t shake off they touch, not this time. “I’m not doing well. I don’t feel well.” It was fucking inadequate. “I mean, I’m sick.” Tommy closed his eyes. “I don’t like talking about it.”

“You’re sick? How are you sick?” Tommy shook his head and Adam persisted. “No, tell me. I want to help, I can help you if you need me to…” Tommy looked up to face Adam. He must have looked upset, because Adam dropped the hand that was on his neck.

“I don’t really know what it is. One time I had to see a court-appointed shrink and he said it was depression. But I was a kid then.” Tommy made himself look at Adam. “I got in so much trouble back then. I almost went to juvie, but instead I saw that guy. They tried putting me on medications and they just made me crazier. So I haven’t been back.” Tommy sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t want people to touch me. I don’t…” He stopped before he said he didn’t deserve it. Adam wouldn’t understand that.

Adam didn’t answer right away. Tommy dropped his gaze, looking at the floor. Maybe Adam would leave now. “I mean, if you can’t handle it, I can go. But I’m trying.” Another few seconds crawled by before Tommy felt Adam’s hand on his shoulder and he breathed out.

“If you need help, I’ll do what I can. I can find you a doctor.” Tommy shrugged. He had no idea what kind of help he needed. “Or at least, you don’t have to be alone with it. Just let me know when it’s bad and what you need from us.” Tommy looked up then, panicked.

“Don’t. Don’t tell everybody else. It’s so hard, I can barely tell you and…” Tommy thought about how close they’d gotten, how him and Brian were almost the Thing With Two Heads and how Ashley was his prank partner in crime. He didn’t want to ruin it.

“I wasn’t going to. I won’t invade your privacy like that.” Adam squeezed his shoulder. “But if you told them, I’m sure they’d understand. And the offer stands-if you need to see someone, you can.” Tommy nodded. “And I don’t mean to nag, but this is hurting you.”

“Yeah.” Tommy didn’t say anything else and the silence dragged on. He waited for Adam to say something, or leave. Instead Adam dropped his hand from his shoulder. Tommy didn’t stop him when Adam held his hand. They sat there for a while in silence, the air conditioner the only thing making noise.

“Do you want me to stop touching you?” Leave it to Adam to forget to ask. Tommy shook his head, because he was better now. After a minute he got up and got some water. Adam shook his head when Tommy offered him one. “Can you sleep alone? I know you have trouble sometimes.”

“If you stayed here with me that would be really cool.” Adam’s face broke into a grin and Tommy hated himself just that much more, for making Adam worry. “I’m gonna take a shower first.” He drank half the water and went into the bathroom. The spray of the shower relaxed him, and when he got out the vague shame from telling Adam his problems was fading off.

He came out wearing a towel, and Adam walked over. “My turn now, I probably stink.” Tommy opened his mouth to say that he smelled the way he always did, like cologne and makeup, but Adam brushed his mouth against Tommy’s and went into the shower before Tommy could react.

Adam kissed his friends, a lot. Adam kissed Tommy a lot, onstage but off as well. But lately he’d been prickly and Adam had been keeping his distance and thing had been different between them. But maybe admitting to a fucking mental illness meant that Adam thought he should be affectionate. Tommy sighed and put on his underwear and went to bed.

He was nearly asleep when Adam slipped into bed with him, an arm around his waist. Tommy just curled in, because even this wasn’t unheard of. When Tommy’s father died and he was a stumbling zombie, Adam would pull him back to his bed in the bus and rub his back until he slept. This felt the same. It was the same kind of misery, just not the same strength.

“You know you’re one of my best friends,” Adam said, and Tommy didn’t even know why he felt like he had to. “And I want you to be okay. I’ll be with you during this.” Tommy didn’t answer. He couldn’t think of anything to say, and he was tired. There was another kiss, this one to the back of his neck, and then Adam seemed to relax. Tommy closed his eyes again.

When he woke up, it was still dark and Adam had moved in his sleep, flat on his back and snoring softly. Tommy got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He sat on the toilet and put his head in his hands. “I can’t.” he said out loud. And he couldn’t, he couldn’t drag Adam down with him. He was going to have to tell Adam to leave him alone and let him work it out himself. So he went back into the bedroom. “Hey. Adam. Hey. Wake up.”

Adam made a snuffling noise and blinked at him. “Hey. Is it time to get up?” He smiled at Tommy, and he didn’t look burdened. He didn’t look like Tommy’s problems were eating him up. Suddenly, Tommy didn’t know what to do. The confusion must have shown on his face because Adam frowned. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Tommy didn’t want to add to it, because if he started talking about it he wouldn’t stop. Adam didn’t give him a chance, he just sat up in bed and pulled Tommy into his arms. Tommy couldn’t even fight him, instead he just went limp and let Adam hold him. “Can’t do this,” he whispered, and Adam kissed him again.

“You can. You can, you’re so brave baby.” Tommy shook his head, because he wasn’t, at all, but Adam just made a noise in his throat and pulled him onto the bed, Adam still holding him tightly. Adam was all around him and Tommy felt himself still. “I’ll help you. I’ll do whatever you need me to.”

“I don’t know what that is.” Tommy felt claustrophobic for a minute, tensing up, but Adam relaxed his grip just enough and Tommy breathed out. Adam rubbed his back. “Maybe a doctor. I think you’re right, maybe I should see a doctor.” He had no idea what a doctor would do for him, he didn’t even know what was wrong. “It’s okay, I can sleep now. I think I can.” He honestly wasn’t sure, but it seemed like a good thing to say.

“Okay.” Adam let him go and Tommy rolled on his side, facing away from Adam. “I’m right here,” Adam said, as if Tommy would forget that. Adam slid one arm around Tommy’s waist, and then he was quiet. Tommy stared at the wall until finally he closed his eyes.

“Hey.” Tommy blinked awake-it was morning. “Hey, time to get up.” Adam was standing above him, hair mussed and eyes tired. “We have to leave soon.”

“Okay.” Tommy’s body felt like it was weighed down with rocks. He dragged himself out of bed and Adam pushed a cup of coffee into his hands. “Thanks.” Adam grunted in return, and Tommy drank about half his coffee before he got dressed. They were in the hotel lobby in fifteen minutes.

When they were on the bus, Tommy separated himself from everyone, ignoring the look of concern on Brian’s face. He’d had all he could take of being emotionally available, and now he was just raw. He curled up on a couch and fell asleep.

When he woke up, Ashley was sitting on the far corner of the couch. She was about to fall off, and that made Tommy smile. “Hey,” he said, voice scratchy. She smiled at him, the corner turning up on one side of her mouth.

“How you doin’?” Tommy felt a hot stab of self-hate at that. He’d made his girl worry. “Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it worse.” Tommy sat up slowly, frowning at her. Did he look that pissed off? “Hey, we’re about to stop to eat. Are you hungry?”

Just her saying it made his stomach growl. “Yeah.” She smiled then, still looking a little nervous. “I need to eat. I want pancakes. Is there a Denny’s anywhere? I need, like, all the syrup.” Ashley moved closer to him and Tommy put his head on her shoulder. “I’m okay,” he said, and Ashley didn’t argue with him.

Adam didn’t come out when they stopped. He got the driver to get him a plate while the rest of them packed into booths, Tommy drinking more coffee. Brian was sitting across from him and Tommy made small talk, not up to much else. He laughed at Brian’s jokes and ate his waffles with fruit. It wasn’t so bad, but he missed Adam.

When they piled back on the bus, smelling like pancake syrup and bacon, Tommy went straight back to Adam’s room. He found Adam sitting on his bed texting, and he sat next to him. Adam didn’t look over but he moved so their bodies were touching. After a few minutes, Adam put his phone on the bed next to him. “Hey,” he said, and Tommy frowned. Adam seemed…off.

“Hey.” Tommy leaned in and brushed a kiss against Adam’s cheek, surprising a smile out of him. “Are you okay?” Adam’s smile stayed, but it looked like it took an effort. “Tell me.”

“I’m all right. I just needed some time to myself.” Tommy nodded because he totally got that, it made sense to him. “And…I worry about you.” Now that wasn’t okay. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t want me to, but seeing you last night…it was hard. You know I love you, and I don’t like seeing you in pain.”

Fuck. “I’m sorry.” Tommy moved to hug Adam immediately. “I’m sorry. I suck, I shouldn’t have said anything.” He felt a stab of pure loathing for himself, and he closed his eyes against it.

“No. No, I told you. I need to know, I want you to get better…” Adam pulled back and tipped Tommy’s head up and kissed him fiercely. It was hot and possessive and Tommy almost pulled away. It was so much at once. But instead he let Adam draw him in. Adam had an arm around his shoulders and the other hand on the side of his face and he couldn’t move, he was held in place as Adam took his mouth.

Tommy made a noise-pleasure? Discomfort? He wasn’t even sure-and Adam pulled back, relaxing his hold immediately. “Oh God. I’m sorry. I went too far…” Tommy shook his head and watched as Adam’s horrified expression softened into confusion.

“I’m okay,” he said, but Adam still looked lost. “I mean, it’s okay. I like it.” He felt his cheeks burn. “I mean…” He wasn’t sure how to explain it. “It’s you.” Adam stared at him for a few uncomfortable seconds and then he smiled, hesitant but still real, and he kissed Tommy again.

This time it was gentle. He held Tommy to him, but not as if he was afraid of him running. Tommy relaxed, and it wasn’t that much different than how Adam had kissed him before. The tenderness in Adam’s touch was there, but there was something else, something more primal, and Tommy welcomed it.

When Adam pulled him down onto the bed Tommy didn’t resist, instead sliding a hand up Adam’s arm, just touching the skin. “That tickles,” Adam whispered, and he kissed Tommy again. They did that for a while, biting kisses into each other’s mouths, before Adam pulled back. “We have to stop here,” he said, and put a finger over Tommy’s lips when he tried to protest. “Everyone else is on the bus. We can’t go too far.”

“You better go too far with me later.” Tommy didn’t know he was going to say that until it was out of his mouth, and Adam burst into laughter. Tommy loved it-Adam’s laugh was one of the most beautiful things there was, ever. He didn’t realize he was laughing too until Adam kissed him and he had to stop.

“Good,” Adam said, and Tommy almost asked what he was talking about. “You’re happy. You’re laughing again.” That sobered him up a bit, making him feel serious until Adam kissed him one more time. “That’s a good thing.”

“I know.” Tommy closed his eyes, feeling the Adam’s closeness. “Do you think we can do this?” He didn’t expect to say it, but there it was. Adam tensed, the hand on his back stiffening, and Tommy held his breath waiting for the answer.

“I think we can,” Adam said, and Tommy waited for the rest. “I think we both want it. We’re really different people, but…if we try.” Tommy snuggled into Adam’s neck. “But, you have to take care of yourself. And it goes for me too. I don’t want things to be unbalanced.”

“Okay. I can do it, since I know you’ll be with me. I didn’t want to get help if I was going to be alone.” He felt Adam shake his head and he moved to look at him. “What?”

“You were never alone. You have me and everyone else on this tour. We love you, and even if I didn’t have you here right now I’d still be with you. Don’t ever think that. You haven’t been alone.”

Tommy looked at Adam, stunned silent for a minute. “I know. But I guess I didn’t feel it.” He felt a stab of guilt-it shouldn’t have taken Adam kissing him to make him see it. But at least he knew it now. “When are we going to be in Houston?”

“Few hours yet. Don’t worry. And hey-we have time for me to call my insurance and see what doctors are available.” Tommy made a face and Adam smiled. “You promised, so don’t give me that look.” Tommy moved away from Adam, sitting on the bed as Adam got his phone.

“Okay.” He watched as Adam made a call, then scrolled through a list of names. Before too long Adam had an appointment lined up for him and then he was getting another hug, squeezed against Adam’s body. “Thank you.”

“We’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. And don’t worry about the others, you tell them when you want to.” Tommy made a face-he didn’t want to think about that now. “Shhh. It’s okay.” Tommy wanted to question him, because nothing was fixed, nothing was different.

Except for him and Adam.

“Okay.”


End file.
